this is the title

2011-11-10T11:50:00.000+08:00

trying hard to fill the emptiness

2011-10-28T12:01:00.001+08:00

Nearly lost him

2011-09-29T12:34:00.001+08:00

Realized that I havent blogged much, life has been monotonous ever since.

I had one last fuck with scandal2 and it was the end.

Follow me on twitter: http://twitter.com/wxRachael

bisou bisou

2011-08-31T11:26:00.001+08:00

let the rain, wash away, all the pain of yesterday...

2011-08-20T12:27:00.001+08:00

I have grown too strong to ever fall back into your arms

& I've learned to live half alive

It took so long just to feel alright

The player

2011-08-12T21:31:00.000+08:00

Why is he so irresistible? This seemingly charismatic guy makes you laugh with his sense of humor and has this uncanny ability to keep you hooked by just shooting the breeze. The smooth-talkers shower you with flattery and statements of love but they might have an agenda behind your back. He's probably using the same playbook to score other girls too.

2011-08-06T13:25:00.001+08:00

Boys come & go

So I told scandal4 to stay in my life and be my friend

why do all good things come to an end

2011-08-01T21:15:00.001+08:00

Flames to dust;

Lovers to friends

2011-07-25T17:53:00.001+08:00

Too many times have I given my heart, to be returned in pieces

I wish I'm born void of feelings

2011-07-25T00:41:00.001+08:00

This is the face of a whore, beware

2011-07-25T00:18:00.001+08:00

I thought I could handle no strings attached but I'm wrong

I came to the conclusion today that in the matters of the heart, one party has to lose all pride in order for the relationship to move on

I've learnt I'm always the one with zero pride

invitation only grant farewells

2011-07-22T14:29:00.001+08:00

I did it, I shut my door on thboy and scandal3

2011-07-21T15:53:00.000+08:00

So much, so young, I've faced on my own

Walls I build up became my home

2011-07-13T12:34:00.001+08:00

Last night, thboy asks to be invited back into my life

Memories flooded back, because I've been hurt by thboy before and I'm not ready to open my heart to him, for him to slash and leave again

"you used to be a good girl"

2011-07-11T23:33:00.000+08:00

This sentence rang the most truth that I've ever heard for the past half a year

2011-07-04T16:07:00.001+08:00

Why cant I have the best of both worlds

I am committed into a relationship but I still want to see what the world has to offer, I still want to play

They say the grass is always greener at the other side, I guess it's true

the point of no return

2011-06-27T23:51:00.003+08:00

Boundaries were crossed and I wish I can say I feel remourse

I committed the mother of all unforgiv-ables and I wish I can find the meaning in life, in relationship

2011-06-23T23:47:00.001+08:00

A: Hey, so are you going to see that girl from the library again? Looks like you guys had a good time...

B: yeah, i think i will. My girlfriend's getting too boring. Dunno why i hang with her

A: Yeah, this girl may seem better in personality, looks, charisma, education, status, lifestyle, but that's life. we always find someone better than another. And i hope you are not assuming you are the best, because there's gonna be someone who's better at all that than you

but she chose you still.

Justin shed some light on me. I can see your halo, pray it won't fade away

2011-06-23T10:43:00.001+08:00

Yesterday was my sweatiest make out session with anyone ever, period
I could feel scandal2's shirt was thoroughly soaked and breaths were magnified, intensifying moment

Can't wait for Sunday, breakfast in bed, scandal2? ;)

2011-06-21T00:43:00.003+08:00

How to know if you have hooked someone:

Text coldly and he asks if you are dumping him

Now I have gained the upperhand, when I say jump, scandal2 will ask how high

push

2011-06-20T01:40:00.005+08:00

Today is me and boy's 3rd year anniversary
No holiday trips this year, we're 2 working bees

Anyway been thinking myself as a serial seducer, once hooked, I push my limits and when I discover where the line is drawn, I back away

I just don't know how to clean up the mess

2011-06-17T12:17:00.002+08:00

Just came back from a night full of sins
Limits were pushed and....................

Bcos of scandal2, bf has been neglected.

Sunday's our 3rd anniversary, eggcited bcos I wanna dine at MBS!

I will try to juggle my life with 3 guys, vying

Now that I know my market value, I'm re-evaluating everything

the last goodbye

2011-06-14T11:59:00.001+08:00

We were almost beautiful
A broken piece of art put on display
But we were never possible
Another perfect moment thrown away

2011-06-13T11:46:00.001+08:00

With PC Show finally over, I can finally breathe

Scandal2 dropped by and gave me a cup of bubble tea, hee hee ^^

2011-06-07T20:51:00.001+08:00

Scandal3: I'm sorry
Myself: I'm used to people slipping in and out of my life

2011-06-07T00:20:00.000+08:00

Scandal2: Why do you keep asking me questions which answers you already know
Myself: Because I'm a girl. And girls need assurance

sigh

2011-06-06T12:44:00.002+08:00

it was an awesome first date w scandal2 yesterday

ahh how the sins keep replaying in my mind over and over

electricity was in the air & never wanted the night to end

how can something so wrong feel so right

come on let me hold you, touch you, feel you, always
kiss you, taste you, all night, always

first date

2011-06-05T00:35:00.002+08:00

Tomorrow's first date with scandal 2, my heart's pumping and I can't wipe the smile off my face

He was right, connection was forged whilst we were in HK and we both knew the truth when I fetched him from the airport

The real qns is how long this can last

He wants to bring me around HK again in Dec but I hushed him, being unable to look into the future

heart2heart

2011-06-03T18:54:00.002+08:00

Talked to scandal 2 last night until the wee hours of morning, leaving me super tired

But the talk was worth it, I got answers that I need, assurance that I want

Cards were laid on table for us to see, agreements made, confessions that got our hearts racing

If he asks me to jump, I'll ask how high

Because I'm hopeless like this, because I'll continue to be sucked into the emotions whirlpool

they try to make me go to rehab but I said no, no, no

2011-05-30T11:00:00.003+08:00

Me: I feel awful. Like a lot of contradictions in my heart

Loon: What again

Me: The scandal issue. It keeps popping up

Loon: Then stop being a slut. Just think of 1 thing - don't you feel you are betraying your boyfriend? And imagine if your boyfriend has a lot of scandals too, how would you feel? I know you just want the feeling of getting wooed but is it long enough to feel that way always? You can't do this mistake forever

Me: Is this your pent up feelings towards me

Loon: Yes it is. I can watch you play and close one eye but I can't watch you keep playing forever

Me: I know. Im quitting. Like rehab. I love you for that

2011-05-26T23:31:00.001+08:00

So tell me what do you advise for these symptoms
A heart beating faster and work is a disaster
I'm lovesick when you're not around

2011-05-22T00:12:00.001+08:00

Playing phase is officially over ^^V

Riddikulus

2011-05-19T00:44:00.001+08:00

Bought tons of pretty clothes but no time to wear

2011-05-12T10:46:00.000+08:00

Myself: feel like breaking down cause I'm such a mess
Loon: you are indeed in a mess

sweet talk & lies

2011-05-12T02:10:00.007+08:00

Was talking to Loonz because I can always expect to hear the cold, harsh truth that I tend to avoid. He forces me to view things from their point of view.

To kick addiction, first I must admit my problem

Now, scandal #o1 made me realize how much I miss being wooed
Guys' attention & effort level is at its highest whenever the chase just begun, slowly it wane to almost monotonous.

Scandal #o1 distracted my attention on boyfriend, hence I diverted my gaze to every where else but him, in search of .. heck, attention.

Scandal #o1 made me fall deeper and just as I plunged, he pulled out like all mofos do.

Scandal #o2 said some things that were exactly the same as #o1, thus I knew he was playing a game that I'm now familiar with.

The game continues on till today, but all this dragging makes me feel like its a burden but I cannot resist his cute dimples and smile. He simply make my heart melt each time he pops by.

Scandal #o3 is attached FFS.. Thankfully, he doesn't have any positive attributes that draws me towards him

My life is officially a fucking joke

2011-05-12T01:30:00.001+08:00

oh baby the hunt for you has begun

You spin my head right round

2011-05-08T22:32:00.003+08:00

Scandal 2 occasionally hovers shyly outside my shop just to give me my heart

His shy smile and sweet gesture got my heart thu-thu-thumping

fall, with you I fall so fast

I can hardly catch my breath...

Habit

2011-05-06T00:00:00.000+08:00

I'm smitten with scandal no. 2
Can't stop smiling when I'm with you

2011-05-02T01:50:00.002+08:00

I see pictures of people my age going out and having fun then I reflect on mine and it's so god damn repetitive I wish I can finally do something about it to break the trend

2011-04-30T12:51:00.000+08:00

Shall can believe in platonic male friendship anymore

2011-04-29T17:39:00.000+08:00

What's wrong with me?!
3rd scandal in 3 months

An attached one this time , sigh

Oops daisy

2011-04-27T02:40:00.000+08:00

Been the reason of a couple's quarrel recently

Babe don't blame me if you can't control your boyfriend's texts to other girls

I'm just a girl who likes male attention (whore much)

2011-04-26T13:16:00.001+08:00

On the way to Mandai now
Not feeling a single bit of sadness within me but I might cry if I see my dad cries because I know how much he wishes my grandmother can never die

Family members trying to pretend they have never left my life
Spare me the act, you have never bothered for the past 10 years, so why start now

I expect we'll only meet when death happens

Until then, don't bother pretending and get on with life

Xoxo

Love me, love myself

2011-04-23T23:27:00.002+08:00

Today, I had some time alone for myself.

I took the time to look at my phone’s data

As usual, there were friendships to be terminated, friendships to be renewed

The only constant in my life were the skirt chasers trying to get in my pants

Well I'm sick and tired of being thrown around like thrash and treated like dirt

Now I remember why I had maintained an ice queen image - to protect myself from bastards like these

Grandma's gone

2011-04-23T11:17:00.000+08:00

Im taking it pretty well but I'm just concerned for my dad

2011-04-16T23:21:00.002+08:00

God is testing my strength
Because I'm now carrying the burden of contributing to my familys income

It has come to a point in life where I do not have the privilege to be self centered because holding together this family comes first.

that's what you get when you let your heart win

2011-04-15T01:16:00.000+08:00

Pain make your way to me, to me.
And I'll always be just so (so) inviting.

damn, that's sad

2011-04-13T22:28:00.000+08:00

Well you hit where it hurt and you fooled me so bad
But I'd do it again to relive what we had

2011-04-13T00:32:00.000+08:00

You left me feeling high & dry
With nothing but the question - why?

2011-04-12T11:04:00.000+08:00

Gonna work hard together with loon
Gonna finally make my dream come true

2011-04-10T19:47:00.002+08:00

I will learn to love myself and not be dependent short term affection

easy target

2011-04-09T22:37:00.002+08:00

Now, after my episode with thboy, along came nwboy.

Nwboy said 3 things similar to thboy, guess i'll be a fool to fall for it again

Both were attracted to my tongue piercing & lack of time spent w bf

Never knew my tongue piercing was a bane

Now im wary of new male friendships - will it be platonic or will there be sex element

Xoxo

2011-03-21T11:00:00.001+08:00

I did myself a favour and deleted him off my Facebook
kinda hoping that he'd whatsapp me asking if i did so i may say FUCK YEAH BITCH
I dont think he'd though
But a girl can have bitchy dreams

2011-03-09T12:30:00.002+08:00

I'll be starting as a full-timer for my current job (Sony Ericsson)

I know that this job doesnt have any link to my Diploma but I am aimless and clueless as to where my life is heading to.

This means that I can only meet my boyfriend twice a month

How to sustain such a relationship?!

2011-03-03T23:07:00.000+08:00

Stagnant
Well 2 can play the game

game over

2011-02-28T11:47:00.000+08:00

Turns out that thboy didn't give 2 hoots about me anyway
Playeur

2011-02-27T15:40:00.000+08:00

Thboy comes back today
Pray, for the strength to resist

Perhaps a few declaration before separation

2011-02-27T00:37:00.002+08:00

Current playlist:
Taking Back My Love - Enrique
Over You - Chris Daughtry
Curses - Bullet for my Valentine
Empty - The Click Five

To help me get over my illusion of romance

2011-02-26T15:06:00.002+08:00

Can't stop reading the conversation we had
Guess I can safely say that it's attention that I miss
You picked out my weakness and unleashed your full force on it
What can I say but I enjoyed our whirlwind romance
The time to discontinue has come but I feel a pang in my heart
Will I ever be satisfied

2011-02-26T14:49:00.001+08:00

In times when I feel down & lonely
I'll turn to my friends to push me back to the top

relief

2011-02-26T01:29:00.002+08:00

Recently I had been caught in the middle
My stable, busy boyfriend and an attentive player
It took me almost a month to open up my eyes to see what his true motives were
I had wrapped my head around his lies
He made me realize that my ice queen personality may be a facade since I was so easily swayed
it proved my insecurity and shallowness
I'm glad that I have true friends who dish out practical advices for me to follow since 'pang guan zhe qing'

Goodbye.
Our indecent relationship had been like a drunken night
fun while it lasted, but something that I'd rather forget
Thanks for the memories

2011-02-21T23:15:00.001+08:00

Valentine's Day was a flop , just as I had expected

Love me, that's all I ask of you

3-way hurt junction

2011-02-15T22:58:00.002+08:00

Gods are playing a joke at me

How can I decide between the 2 when they are both keepers

Masquerade!

2011-02-01T14:32:00.002+08:00

Paper faces on parade

veil

2011-02-01T14:31:00.003+08:00

Occasionally I will be haunted by past memories.

But it's okay I will learn from it and move on

2011-01-15T01:18:00.000+08:00

A wave of depression

X10

2011-01-12T23:07:00.002+08:00

Just got myself an X10, despite knowing that SE phones' value drop faster than you can say 'woah'.

Have been wishing to get an Android phone because of its customizable system

Apparently it can be rooted so I may have full control of the phone, but I know I ain't techie and I'm likely to brick it instead

My whole phone's theme is Sanrio and it can play my beloved POKEMON!!!!!!!
Ya childish but me likely!

Sold away my PSP yesterday since this phone has a 4" screen which is similar to PSP anyway. I hate lugging around devices.

Working tomorrow @ Tampines!

xmas

2011-01-10T18:55:00.000+08:00

2011-01-04T16:52:00.004+08:00

Sent off a dear friend & mentor today
Will never see her again unless she comes for holiday, or I visit China for holiday

Today was also the online forum school day.

Try picturing me carrying my netbook around thats connected to me E71 for internet.

2010 - the end

2010-12-31T22:10:00.004+08:00

2010 was a myriad of events

Friendships were forged, some were lost

I smoked and stopped.

Interned / Part-timed at Zoo

Interned / Part-timed at JBP
Best 4.5 months of my life despite its travelling
I got to go behind the scenes and see cute little newborn birds
Upclose encounters with beautiful birds that normal Singaporean will not have a chance with

Went to Bali with poly friends, who ironically not even close to me or each other. Just a random mix

Went Phuket with boy and his friends
Did some sport activities I never knew I will bother to try
Jetski, parasailing, ATV, snorkelling

Well, now it's time to countdown to 2011 and welcome a new year and my new adulthood with open arms.

2010-12-31T00:59:00.002+08:00

Friendships are so fragile
I was looking at my butterfly wind spinner my friend-d gave me
Friend-d means was once a friend.

Friendship was over because he is always late, so late he makes fashionably late a joke.

Me with my impatience couldnt take it anymore and called it off because frankly, how can you let anyone wait for 2 hours, especially a lady?

Last day of 2010

Who / Where / How are you gonna spend it with?

2010-12-28T01:10:00.000+08:00

&
she loved
a little boy
very, very much
- even more
than
she loved
herself.

this cranked me up

2010-12-27T19:00:00.000+08:00

From here

2010-12-21T00:58:00.000+08:00

I hate being stuck in this fucked up body

Wish I can turn back time and correct so many mistakes that I now regret

2010-12-20T17:44:00.000+08:00

if i should tumble; if i should fall
would any one hear me screaming behind these castle walls
there's no-one here at all

2010-12-15T01:02:00.000+08:00

Hey now Santa I'm writing to you,
Cos there's a lot of cool shit I want
I know I've been naughty but cut me some slack,
Cos there's a lot of cool shit I want ;)

2010-11-22T21:02:00.001+08:00

My peers are getting married.

Wish I can jump on the bandwagon as well

Heh

2010-11-22T20:25:00.000+08:00

2010-11-19T00:45:00.002+08:00

Dear Spiritual Being,

I turn to you during my down moments

I questioned myself last night why my life has to be like this

Why do I have to ride the emotional roller coaster ride every now and then

Please do not torment me any further

2010-11-16T22:03:00.000+08:00

Less than half a year to graduation.

What shall I do, what shall I do...

Geez

2010-11-12T19:29:00.002+08:00

People shouldnt use smoking as an excuse to de-stress

But really, can you blame us?

What's up with school?

2010-11-12T19:10:00.002+08:00

Dear God
I pray you make my life easier, or at least no less harder.

2010-11-09T19:16:00.000+08:00

School has started and I'm all stressed up.

The workload....... I could really use a cigarette now.

rooftop pool + cig = life

2010-10-17T10:45:00.000+08:00

oktoberfest bali

2010-10-08T22:55:00.001+08:00

2010-09-03T11:56:00.000+08:00

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told

2010-08-27T10:48:00.000+08:00

2010-08-27T10:04:00.001+08:00

stop trying to suffocate me

2010-08-23T10:21:00.000+08:00

Grow hair grow!

2010-08-19T16:28:00.001+08:00

Bird Park event today.

Lucky me took a picture of the salmon-crested cockatoo.

I still fear birds.

Step Up 3D Premiere

2010-08-18T18:03:00.000+08:00

Caught the premiere yesterday. It was good

2010-08-17T09:53:00.000+08:00

2010-08-13T10:39:00.001+08:00

A friend, if he still thinks he is, recently told me that I had gone MIA ever since I graduated from school.

The words got me into serious thinking and hell, I realize it's true.

I had detached myself from my peers and now my social circle contracted because I strayed away from Poly friends too.

True friends stood by me as they understood that my life is not as easy as it looks.

There is so much undercurrent going on and I'm not sure if I can cope.

jetski

2010-08-12T10:59:00.000+08:00

phuket

2010-08-10T12:23:00.000+08:00

2010-08-10T11:01:00.001+08:00

oh calendar girl, soothe me from my bad dreams

Dear Period

2010-08-05T16:09:00.000+08:00

Please come soon.

phuket

2010-08-05T11:11:00.003+08:00

Went to Phuket for 4 days.

JetStar sucks. Both flights got delayed by 2 hours.

What a waste of time. What's more is that I had to work the next day and I reached home at 4AM.

Sadly I've already booked my flight to Bali, otherwise I will not consider JetStar again.

Had lots of fun in Phuket. Did water sports, something I did not expect from myself

Whilst at Phuket, I tried picturing the day of the tsunami

I cannot imagine the buildings being torned by the sheer power of the waves.

There were tsunami evacuation route signs everywhere, a sombre reminder of the fateful day.

Pics as soon as I get them. Enjoy your day till then

my daily struggle

2010-07-29T11:36:00.001+08:00

2010-07-27T11:08:00.000+08:00

I dreamed I was dying; as I so often do
And when I awoke I was sure it was true
I ran to the window; threw my head to the sky

And said whoever is up there,please don't let me die